AT THE DIVORCE COURT   

            Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

            A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"

            Q: And why did that upset you?

            A: My name is Susan.

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2009

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother

just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw  little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out."

“Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too."

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".